Dear teachers,

In case there is any misunderstanding in light of recent headlines, we are writing to remind you that Capitalism is, of course, still our national religion and you are all religious education teachers in this respect.

We understand that this may present problems for some of you, as young people have inquisitive minds that can sometimes outpace our guidance.

Sometimes The Market moves in mysterious ways and you may have challenges in communicating why It needs to keep some of us unemployed, or have us make weapons and not medicine, or have us keep producing fossil fuels, or make people risk their lives by forcing them back to work to make sure they’re producing and consuming all of the above at the correct rate – and in this eventuality, please consult the sacred texts (see attached reading list) for illumination on these matters.

We know you must be busy, due to class sizes (The Market! – see reading list), so while there is no need for every pupil to fully understand the ways of The Market, they do need to know that those who have studied it very closely have found it to be Good.

In the broad strokes, if you don’t have time to internalise the sacred texts, a basic rule of thumb is: when Capitalism does something bad, it’s because someone did Capitalism wrong, and when Capitalism does something good, it’s because Capitalism is good.

We hope this clarifies things for you.

Yours sincerely,

The Department for Education