The Super Bowl

I really missed out on American Football as a kid. My dad never took me to a game.

At school playtimes, while all the other kids were having fun, using jumpers for goalposts, putting on shoulder pads and crash helmets with walkie-talkies built into them, taking steroids and running into each other, I was getting sand kicked in my face, sitting in a corner, all alone with my guitar.

Then I had an idea. I talked the jocks into letting me do a half-time show.

People were sceptical. The first show was a real baptism of fire. My music wasn’t really connecting with anyone, but then in a blinding flash of inspiration, I got the idea of letting my clothes slip down during the gig.

Soon it was all over the school newspaper, and audiences to the game skyrocketed. Some said my half-time shows were more of an event than the games themselves. It got to the point where there was a lot of lunch money riding on what colour outfit I would wear, and at what minute of the performance my clothes would slip down.

These were good times. I got special treatment at the school tuck shop. The kids who were good at needlework all wanted me to wear their clothes. The kids running the lemonade stand wanted me to encourage the other kids to drink lemonade. Sure, I had my battles with weight, there was a lot of pressure, but it was pretty sweet.

Unfortunately, by the the time I got to secondary school, they only played soccer, cricket and rugby, and I looked like a right idiot trying to interrupt the games with my half-time shows. I couldn’t fit in. No matter how many times I “accidentally” let my nipple slip out.

I lost all my sponsorship deals. I don’t want your pity, so I won’t bore you with my struggle with chocolate. Suffice it to say, I’m down to two bars a day and I go to Chocoholics Anonymous meetings regularly.

In the interests of furthering Anglo-American relations, here’s me doing Jon Bon Jovi singing “My Old Man’s A Dustman”

PS. I would love it if you came to my show at the Leicester Comedy Festival on Valentine’s Day. I promise to keep my clothes on!


How To Be An Informed Person In Less Than 20 (!) Seconds.

Here’s me adding to my treasure trove of time-saving tips when it comes to understanding the “news”. Sorry for not posting this earlier. When I wrote “How To Be An Informed Person In Less Than 30 Seconds” on Friday, I thought I did you a bit of a disservice, so here’s how to take an extra 10 seconds of your life back.

Depending on how far into your life you are, I’ve just added about two to three days to it with this last tip. Why not give this gift to someone else, by sharing the video?

How can you repay me for this? You can’t. It’s my gift to you.

I only ask that you spend those two days I just gave you wisely. For instance, you could come to my Leicester Comedy Festival show and still have the majority of the two days I just gave you left over. Call it a tithe. If Leicester is too far for you to travel, but you’d still like to feel the joy I can bring, my new album is free to download.

Have a great rest of the day. Remember, stay away from the news!


Rich Hall Knows How To Throw (A Party)

It’s throwback Thursday! Here’s a picture of me with Rich Hall in the year 2000, backstage at the studios of Late Night With Conan O’Brien in New York City. I forget who the lady in the middle is – as you can tell by my appearance, I was pretty out of it in those days.

Other guests on the show included William Shatner, Buffy The Vampire Slayer and (I think) Jason Statham. Well, we’ve all gone on to do pretty well for ourselves. Especially William Shatner. The Conan show was a real launchpad for us all!

It’s possible to get really nervous before gigs like this, but Rich always knew how to lighten the tone. As we were waiting to go on, Sarah Michelle Gellar was on the couch, earnestly saying to Conan: “I think it’s a bad idea to get a bunch of actors together in room to talk about themselves”, I distinctly remember Rich muttering, “You’re in a room…” at the offstage monitor.

Rich still knows how to party backstage. Last night at the Hoedown, before he went on, he threw a roll of gaffer tape from one side of the dressing room to the other, the idea being to make it sound like there was a commotion going on just before he walked out. The gaffer tape bounced, and smashed a pint glass. It was loud. I hadn’t been paying attention (I’m pretty out of it these days), so when the Soho Theatre folks came in to clear up, I told them that he must’ve lost the plot and started trashing the place. That’s what it looked like to me.

My thanks to Rich for the guest spot on his fabulous show last night and thanks to the ace band headed up by Rob Childs, for rocking, as usual. Here’s a recording of me playing with the Hoedown Band from the Edinburgh Festival.

I’ll be doing my show, Lost In Music, at the Leicester Comedy Festival on Valentine’s Day. I don’t know if William Shatner’s doing a show there this year.